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Advice to someone I know

April 26, 2010 Leave a comment

I recently read Boxy an Star by Daren King. I picked it up in a charity shop, incidentally, and it’s marked as withdrawn stock from a prison library. There’s a scene in it where the two main characters, both chronic pillheads, decide to write rules for how to live their life – like ‘open the curtains when it is light and close them when it is dark’.

Below is my version of advice to a young man I know who, to put it mildly, has a troubled life and a great deal of difficulty coping with it… written in a way that is maybe familiar to the kind of person who might want to live by these rules? For US readers (if I have any!) where it says ‘mobile’ read ‘cellphone’, and ‘pissed’ means drunk not angry (though could equally well mean both…).

If anyone thinks it’s useful (or even amusing) feel free to print, distribute, repost (preferably with an attribution) etc etc.!

Rools for how to live and b safe

Get up when it is day go 2 bed when it is nite. That way u can go to shops and doctor and stuff wen they are OPEN.

Remember wot day it is. Doctors and drugs workers and stuff dont open satdays and sundays.

Dont spliff up during the day u will never get any thing dun.

Take the pillz wot the doctor give u and NOT other pillz. REMEMBER where u put them MAKE SURE u no how many and when u take them. ALSO DONT DRINK wen youre taking pillz NOT EVEN DOCTOR PILLZ cos last time u did that u went mental and got arrested and coud of ended up in hospital dead.

Wen u get a problem like tooth ache SORT IT OUT cos if u dont u end up in pain and raving and then u drink and evry thing turns to shit. AND u still hav the problem. AND if u got arrested u got more problems.

Dont spend any money till u have payed rent and bills and put lectric on the meter and stuff other wise u will not b able to pay the rent and get thrown out. Or else u will get cut off or get a summons and bad shit happen.

Dont let nob heds in your place they reck it and use it as a doss house and steel yor stuff.

Dont let nob heds no where u live they will cum round and brake yor winders wen theyre pissed or high.

If nob heds steel stuff dont go round there place brake there winders fite them cos u get arrested 4 it. And they get to keep wot they stole.

If sumwun thinks they are yor best frend after 5 mins and u were pissed or stoned wen u met them – theyre a NOB HED.

If sumwun cums round yor place and u didnt invite them or tell them where u live and may be u dont remember meeting them – theyre a NOB HED.

Dont go to clubs and stuff cos then u drink and get pissed and get into fights even if u dont start them other peeple do and u end up in hospital or arrested.

Always no where yor mobile is AND have credit on it AND dont thro it around and brake it cos then u cant call anyone 4 help and they cant call u 2 help.

Letters in the post means offishul stuff wot needs to be opened and kept safe and take it to yor counsler to xplane wot it meens and deel with it.

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Shortfuse last night

January 20, 2010 Leave a comment

It was interesting. CK Walsh came up with some ideas that have probably been around a while but may prove useful in finishing a short story that’s been hanging fire for a while – legal transubstantiation, and cognitive liberty. Helen Burke was funny. And Howard Marks intrigued everyone with his stories of reindeer piss (seriously).

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