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Posts Tagged ‘Shakespeare’

I write like…?

July 23, 2010 2 comments

I write like
William Shakespeare

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Apparently, anyway. This is from I write like, a text analyser I found mentioned on The Nuppdate blog.

I tried my half-dozen most recent published pieces and got: Dan Brown, Stephen King (twice), William Shakespeare, William Gibson and Cory Doctorow. My last blog comes up as like David Foster Wallace, who I confess I’ve never read (or even heard of, until now).

It’s a fun thing but makes me wonder what it’s based on, in terms of reference materials and analytical criteria. For example, I put in the first three paragraphs of Andre Breton’s ‘Manifesto of Surrealism’ (1924) and it told me it was like Arthur Conan Doyle. More scarily, I also tried a page on crime prevention and antisocial behaviour from a local police website, to be told it was written in the style of Ray Bradbury. Perhaps fortunately it didn’t particularly specify Fahrenheit 451.

Oh, and a selection from the training course I’m updating – it was actually a segment on prisons policy, and I originally wrote it a couple of years ago – shows up as like H.P. Lovecraft…

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Remember those scam emails?

January 21, 2010 1 comment

You know the ones. Until recently (new puter, new scam settings) I got about one a day, asking me for my bank details in order to assist people who variously wanted to transfer money, get a visa, etc. But some were amusing. So in an idle moment – one of those special times when you’re supposed to be dashing for a deadlline, but need a distraction – I thought I’d have a go. Obviously not on my own behalf. I’m sure you’ll be aware of the tragic circumstances giving rise to the letter below…

My dearest friend

I am Mrs Gruoch Cineada, widow of the popular and well-known Mac Bethad mac Findlaich, until recently Head of State of the country of Alba. He was cruelly killed, in fact beheaded, in a coup staged by the rebel Malcolm Ceanmor with the support of certain foreign powers and at the suggestion, it is claimed, of occult forces.

My husband Mac Bethad was a wise and much-admired leader who made many improvements to our country’s economic well-being, for example reforming land ownership. He was generous to the poor, on occasions giving away money as if it were seed.

When he was killed it was widely thought that I had died with him, a rumour caused by the fact that one of my female servants was trying on a particularly distinctive dress I had thrown out because of some accidental stains. I now live quietly as a born-again Christian in the love of God, in exile, penniless and unable to visit my own country. My poor son Lulach lives with me.

Due to a previous marriage (my first husband Gille died along with fifty others in a tragic accident with a lighted candle) I inherited 12 million pounds which remains in a secret account in the First National Bank of Dunsinane. However, as someone who must now live away from my homeland, under an assumed name, and widely believed to be dead, I am unable to access this money myself.

I have decided to contact you and reveal this information as I seek the help of someone able to present themselves as my legal heir in a will that has been deposited safely with lawyers.

I do not wish my first husband’s hard earned money to be misused or taken from me only to be used for purposes of mischief. I hope to use part of the inheritance to establish a monastery to continue God’s mission in a land of direst cruelty, spoiled by a reckless ruler who enjoys most of his life as the guest of foreign powers.

If you would kindly contact me with your bank account details I will provide you with the documents you will need to claim this inheritance and send the money on to me, less a sum of 15% for your consideration and expenses.

I wring my hands in expectation and hope that you will be able to assist me in this deed and to make undone that which was done in the name of blood and madness.

I hope to hear from you soon. Please know that as I cannot reveal my true identity openly all communications with me should be in future under my assumed name, which is below.

Yours in Christ,

Ava Rice

Categories: humor Tags: , , , ,
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